The Christmas List of Haruhi Suzumiya
by CompliCait
Summary: Kyon deals with Haruhi's latest whim: her desire to celebrate Christmas by having everyone buy her gifts.


Warnings: Not much. A general understanding of the series is helpful, but not necessary.  
Notes: I hope it's worth at least a chuckle. This fic won third place in the Crispin Freeman Fansite Holiday Contest 2007.  
Disclaimer: I am not possibly crazy enough to have come up with this story, I'm just using Nagaru Tanigawa's characters for my own amusement.

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**The Christmas List of Haruhi Suzumiya**

Kyon looked uneasily down at the list in his hand. He didn't even wish to begin wondering who Haruhi extorted to get these color copies, printed on high quality matte paper with what appeared to be original artwork, and, he sniffed the page to confirm, yes, lightly scented with--what was it? Peppermint? Was it supposed to be candy cane? How, and more importantly _why_, does she do these things?

More of concern, though, was what this "list" contained. Presumably, he and the other members of the SOS Brigade who had a copy of this... thing, were expected to choose from among the items listed here and present them to their "fearless" leader. Some form of sacrificial offering, perhaps?

Kyon exhaled audibly. He didn't even celebrate Christmas, so why was he being expected to buy a gift for a selfish, ungrateful girl who can get anything she wants anyway? And why did she choose to give them these lists only a day in advance of their winter break? Well, there was really no use arguing, he conceded. He'd just have to bite the bullet and do it. Maybe he could get this over with painlessly for both his mind and his wallet.

The gothic lolita costume was completely out of the question. He knew exactly who Haruhi would force to wear such a thing, and even if he were at all tempted with the notion of seeing anything of the sort on the beautiful Miss Asahina he could not in good conscience be at all responsible for it. Not in any way...

The next item on the list elicited the same sort of response. Day passes to Tokyo Disneyland might seem innocuous to the uninitiated, but the idea of being at fault for the variety and severity of damage resulting from letting Haruhi loose on an unsuspecting Japanese public was enough to make Kyon twitch nervously. No, he needed to find something on this list that Haruhi couldn't use to terrorize anyone. Not Miss Asahina, not the poor unsuspecting people of Tokyo and certainly not himself. Surely there had to be some movies or CDs listed here that he could--

Kyon froze as his fingers skimmed down toward the bottom of the page. The horror. He could only imagine the result from allowing this particular item into the hands of someone like Haruhi Suzumiya, the girl somehow gifted with the power to make anything and everything she could possibly want into a reality, just by willing it. No, to allow Haruhi to possess such a thing could only result in the almost certain devastation of the school, city, possibly even country, under the force of her fantastical whims. He had to make sure it never fell into her hands, no matter what.

Just then and somehow forbodingly, Itsuki Koizumi sat down across from Kyon at the clubroom table, smiling that seemingly false, and therefore irritating, smile of his. He looked down at the list in Kyon's hand and spoke. "Ah, I hope you don't mind. I've already appropriated my gift."

Kyon swallowed, hard. Koizumi... He couldn't have...

With that same smile he continued, "It was troublesome finding the limited edition and so expensive for just one episode..."

"Koizumi, what--"

"I hope Haruhi likes it. I mean, it was on her list, but you never know with girls. Asking for a Hellsing Ultimate OVA DVD is sort of weird, don't you think? Why is she suddenly interested in vampire action flicks?

Kyon's heart nearly stopped. Cold sweat began beading on his neck. He had to stop this from happening. He already had his hands full dealing with time travelers, crazy aliens and idiotic espers, he didn't need the threat of an undead horde wreaking havok on his comparatively calm high school life.

He began slowly, "Koizumi. This is very important. Where is the DVD right now?"

"Oh, I put it under the tree already," Itsuki responded, smile never faltering as he gestured toward what appeared to be a far-too-large for the size of the room evergreen tree in the corner of the clubroom that had before today been where Nagato sat quietly reading her books. If Kyon's attention hadn't already been focused on the item under the tree, he might wonder how on earth Haruhi got that thing in here, or really, where it had come from in the first place.

Instead, Kyon turned, almost lunged in the direction of the tree and his target both. He had to get there quickly, before Haruhi came in for the afternoon. He was lucky he was here early today and could head-off this potentially devastating turn of events.

Unfortunately, Kyon's luck, and by extension the luck of the rest of Japan, had just about run out. Bursting through the door, ridiculous Santa hat on her head and knee-high red boots on her feet, came Haruhi herself.

"Merry Christmas!!"

"Oh, dear God, help us all," was the last thing Kyon uttered before grabbing the neatly wrapped DVD and bolting through the door.

"What's with him," Haruhi queried as she watched the spectacle flee down the hallway, nearly knocking Nagato over in the process.

Itsuki only smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

Haruhi stood for a moment, then exclaimed, "Well, whatever! Let's open presents!"

Nagato entered the room quietly and handed Haruhi a small wrapped box.

"Ooh, what'd you get me?"

"I purchased the X TV Complete Series that was itemized on your Christmas list from amazon dot co dot jp 'for cheap' as you instructed."

"Isn't that the one about the end of the world," Itsuki asked, face resting in his palm, smile not wavering in the least.

In the far off distance, the uncontrolled cries of a man driven over the edge could be heard.

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Happy Holidays!  
956 words  
12/19/07


End file.
